


Just your average, everyday bar fight...

by Ilostmymarbles



Category: The Hobbit (Jackson Movies), The Hobbit - All Media Types, The Hobbit - J. R. R. Tolkien
Genre: A little bit of profanity..., Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-06-15
Updated: 2013-06-15
Packaged: 2017-12-15 02:44:40
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,498
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/844417
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Ilostmymarbles/pseuds/Ilostmymarbles
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Response to this prompt on the kink meme:</p><p>'...the company stop somewhere and Kili is getting aggressively propositioned by someone (group of people), Bilbo notices and tries pointing it out to Thorin or Fili so they can go and save him but they don't take the threat seriously and Bilbo is horrified...until Kili turns around and beats the shit out of the people harassing him and then rejoins everyone else who all act like nothing just happened...'</p><p>No ships/porn in this one.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Just your average, everyday bar fight...

**Author's Note:**

> OK, so i'm supposed ot be working on 'A pleasurable introduction' but this prompt leapt out at me from the new prompt post on the kink meme and I just had to do it.

It began with free drinks. 

Now this is not necessarily a bad thing. Dwarves are never ones for turning down the offer of complimentary alcohol. It was often given as a sign of friendship, an inducement to enter a contract (see Bofur for further details) or a general social lubricant to get someone to talk to you. Much like in the world of Men, ‘May I buy you a drink?’ was the standard code for ‘I think you are pretty, do you want have sex/flirt for a while/get to know me as a potential life partner?’ (delete as appropriate) 

Kili was on his thirteenth such offer of the night when Bilbo began to get a little concerned.

‘Erm Fili, don’t you think that Kili is drinking rather a lot?’

‘What?’

A perplexed look over the rim of a tankard accompanied the bewildered response.

‘Well, that bunch of dwarves on the other side of the bar, the ones he’s talking to, have bought him thirteen pints already. Thorin said we were not to have too many’

‘I did say that but it’s not like he’s been drinking all of them. I believe it is your turn’

It was amazing how quietly a steel-toed dwarf clad in clinking armour could move when he wanted to. Bilbo nearly fell off the edge of the seat in shock when the deep authoritative voice suddenly rumbled out behind him.

‘Where did you...wait ..my turn?’

‘Yes, have you not been watching?’

With this odd answer Thorin sat at the end of the bench of the table the dwarves had commandeered, not seeming to notice the fact that there really wasn’t enough room for him, leaving Bilbo uncomfortably squashed into Bofur’s armpit.

Just as he was about to question further a loud shout of bright laughter rang out from the corner where Kili was holding court, every head in the place, both male and female, turning to watch as he threw his head back in his open joy. 

Unexpectedly a large hand clamped down on the top of Bilbo’s head and pushed down until his line of sight was of Kili’s lower back rather than his head.

‘Watch’ was Thorin’s low command.

As he spoke, Kili swiftly and skilfully swapped his new full tankard for his old empty one, placing the old one behind his back and sending it along the bar with a flick of his elbow. 

It whizzed along the polished wood before speeding off the end and landing with a plunk on the table right in front of Bilbo’s amazed eyes.

‘Where did ya think we were getting our drinks from? S’not like any of us have been to the bar’ Over the top of his own tankard Dwalin laughed at the hobbits open shock.

‘I had not thought. He seems very skilled’

‘I’ll bet he’s had plenty of practice, pretty thing like him’ 

Both Thorin and Dwalin snorted in agreement with Bombur’s conjecture.

‘This happens a lot then?’

‘All the time’ drawled a despairing Fili, his head sinking closer to the table ‘He hasn’t had to actually pay for a drink since he passed his majority, the little sh*t, and hardly ever puts out for it’

‘But if he’s not going to...well... wouldn’t it be more polite to just to turn them down?’

Now twelve pairs of horrified eyes turned on him. Balin intervened before the storm could break, leaning across Bofur to place a hand over the hobbits.

‘To do so would be a grave insult. By our ways, the person who is offered the drink must give the offeror some attention as payment for the coin they just spent. To give them time to state their case and credentials before you make a decision on whether to follow through, if you see what I mean’

‘The trick’, Nori interjected, ‘is to keep that part as short as possible and then extract yourself from the situation without causing any offence’

‘oh’ 

As he spoke, another tankard of ale came spinning to a halt in front of Thorin.

‘The boy is in fine form tonight that’s for sure’ said a smiling Dori

After that Bilbo was once again ignored as the others turned back to their conversations. A little bored, Bilbo leant forward to see what Kili was up to, only to see him angrily trying to stop two of the other dwarves from shoving their hands into his pants.

‘Erm ... Thorin’

No response.

Tugging impatiently on the King’s sleeve he tried again. By now the one of them had Kili pinned against the bar with his arm twisted behind his back as another worked on the laces of his breeches.

‘Thorin!’

‘What?’

‘Kili’s in trouble!’

‘WHAT?’

At this Fili’s head shot up and Dwalin went for his weapons. With a roar of anger forming on his lips, Thorin stood and turned to fight, sword glittering in the candle light.

Only to stop suddenly, re-sheathe his sword, sit back down and reach for his ale.

‘What are you on about hobbit? He’s fine’

By now the attackers had evidently decided to take their fun somewhere a little more private and were dragging Kili towards the back door. 

‘Fine? He’s being assaulted and dragged off to god only knows where, where he’ll probably be raped and you are going to do nothing??’

‘IF it was that serious I certainly would intervene, little hobbit. It insults me that you would think I would not do so’

‘Fili..’

‘My brother is perfectly capable of looking after himself.’

‘but..’

Desperately he turned back to where he last saw Kili, thinking of going in himself since the lads family didn’t seem to care. The noise from that area of the bar was growing and it concerned the hobbit enormously.

Only to see one of Kili’s attackers flat on his back on the bar with Kili kneeling over him pounding his face in before being pulled backwards by the attackers comrade. Lashing out with his hobnailed boot, he broke the grip of the new attacker before throwing an elbow into his face, smashing the dwarf’s mouth in sending blood and teeth flying. 

‘See, nothing to worry about’ Fili said as he ducked a tankard that came rushing at his head.

After that, all hell seemed to break loose and fists began to fly everywhere. Kili was in the middle of it all, using his speed, swift reactions and the bar furniture to fend off the small hoard of enraged dwarfs. At one point he was even defending himself with a wooden chair like a lion tamer before smashing it over a few of their heads. After a few minutes of some of the most vicious fighting Bilbo had ever seen (not that his experience was particularly expansive but it did contain a few fights with orcs) a sudden silence fell, punctuated only by the groans of the wounded. Calmly, a relatively unscathed Kili wandered across to the company and sat down opposite Thorin.

‘Well that was rude. I don’t understand why sometimes they can’t take no for an answer’

‘Aye, that was well handled lad’ Gloin approved as he picked bits of splintered wood from his beard.

‘Thanks. Did anyone save me a tankard? I’m thirsty’

Agreeably, Ori pushed the remainder of his drink to Kili who received it with a smile and a thank you. As if that was some sort of cue, the rest of the dwarfs picked up from where they left off on their conversations as if nothing had happened. 

It took Bilbo rather longer to come out of his shock and as the company tramped up to their rooms in the inn, Bofur took pity on the poor traumatized hobbit. Reaching out and slinging his arm around Bilbo’s shoulders as they walked up the stairs he asked what was wrong.

‘I just didn’t think that Kili would be able to fight of all those dwarfs by himself’

‘Why not? He’s a Durin, trained since birth to fight and one of the best in the company. You saw him against the trolls didn’t you?’

‘Well yes... but Thorin and Fili didn’t even try to help! I thought they’d be more protective’

‘It was only a piddley little bar fight Bilbo. It would be far odder if the same Uncle and brother that trust him enough to bring him on this quest to fight orcs and dragons didn’t think he could manage a few drunken louts’

‘I suppose...’

‘Besides it was good for him, burned off a bit of excess energy. He was getting all antsy being cooped up in this inn. You should try it sometime. Night Bilbo’

‘Night’ 

As Bilbo lay in his bed that night, staring at the ceiling lit by the cold moon with a chorus of snoring dwarves around him he replayed the evenings events in his head. 

Nope, still didn’t make sense. try as he might, he was never going to understand dwarves.


End file.
